Slow down

Does anyone still read these things these days?

Here cuz it is 1.22am on a workday and my body seems to be adjusting to France timing in advance thanks to a latte at 8pm. Think I am getting more and more sensitive to caffeine.

(And maybe also more sensitive cuz pms)

This thing called life is a little scarier than I imagined. I don't think anyone of us grew up thinking we'll be so auntie/uncle but it just sucks you in slowly. We get grumpier day by day, more anxious than before, and following a routine/structure having lived life a certain way for x years. I used to tell myself as a kid that when I earn enough money I'll buy lots of karma tissue and donate to the blind one man band, but as I grew I found myself increasingly matching the pace of the footsteps around me and forgetting to notice them despite being financially able to fulfill that promise. As we get more connected to the world, we are seemingly more detached from our immediate community.

Yet I cannot stop this slow but definte transformation. I wonder if our parents/grandparents ever felt this way. Maybe life was easier when all you had to do was to fulfill your daily operational role (cook, clean, attend to childeen) instead of looking at big projects (renovation, holiday, house, car etc).

Book Review

Have been reading a bit more lately so I've decided to take out my old, semi-retired laptop and write a review on the books I thought were worth a read. It may not turn out like a review, but perhaps learning points/lessons that I wanna remind myself of because I almost never remember what I watch or read (unless they are gossip).

Was introduced to this book through the movie on NetFlix on my trip back from Malacca. The film was super long (anything which is not Marvel and over 2h is considered too long) but I liked several parts of it, so I texted Mama to get it for me and when I reached home, it was on my table.

The story follows the experience of a middle-class Cambodian family during the Khmer Rogue, told through the eyes of a 5 year old child as she grew. According to the book, 2 million out of 7 million people died during the period. The details were recorded to the best of the author's ability, although at times it felt like some parts may have been exaggerated. The emotions and trauma from the experience though was very real and well described. The book itself was slightly draggy too, in my opinion, for the writer inserts many of her own dreams/imaginations into the tale to build up the experience.

A few things:

1. I learnt a bit more about this time period that the Cambodians had to go through. The massacres, starvation, being beaten up, separations, hard work, distrust among people, propaganda etc. All in the span of those few years. I felt extremely lucky that we were fortunate enough not to have gone through this in our country, yet I kind of hope that our youths our children get to learn all about these things that have happened to our ASEAN neighbours. This would help us to better understand an appreciate each human as a whole -- not just their work, their personality, their family, but also their history of being resilient survivors who have the drive to better their lives. 

2. The theme of hatred was strong throughout, where the writer was constantly angry with the regime, with the injustices, with the sufferings she had to go through. But at the end of it all, once you have a chance to get revenge, you realise that it is futile because what's done is done. It serves as a good reminder to me I guess, in my daily life, not to be so caught up with anger and hate but to forgive and move on.

3. The author mentioned infants dying because their mothers were so starved they could not produce breast milk, education was forbidden, children had to work on fields or even as child soldiers, kids eating poisonous mushrooms unknowingly because they were starving...Unimaginable. The topic of children has always been something I feel a lot for. It seems like they did not even get a fair shot at life and then they are subjected to experiences with irreversible outcomes. They did not get a chance to fulfill their potential because surviving was an issue. This made me rather sad.

Okay, till the next book I read. I liked The Girl Who Fled ISIS and also the Phillip Yeo book Neither Civil Nor Servant too. Would see if I can make time to consolidate thoughts.

2/12 left

Missed Oct post, and when I remembered it was already Nov.

I spent the last day of Oct breaking down, because I am drained by doing everything yet accomplishing nothing at work. At the suckiest point, it is easy to say yes I wanna give up I am a millennial who can't take the heat I cannot take stress. It is easy to complain why I am doing these things why must it be me why I am not getting what I think I deserve.

I am surrounded by a generally positve environment with generally good people emitting negative vibes from the negativity of the work. And this negativity I admit I contribute to. So it is a tug between negative vibes but positive people. Just that negative vibes are getting stronger by the day.

Someone once told me to be worthy of promotion you'll have to work like the position you wanna be promoted to. I don't know if it is my experience or lack thereof, but I don't want to be working like the people above me.

Maybe it is really time to be working for me. Or maybe it is just PMS again.

3/4 into the year

3/4 of the year has passed. It has been pretty amazing so far. I:

1. Ventured into an angmoh country with friends. The best part of being on the road is singing Calcutta and Butterfly.

2. Started seeing someone known as MPISN.

3. Had little achievements I can boast of at work.

4. Obtained a bit of validation for something I think I am good at.

5. Did not lose friends (yet).

6. Got invited to and attended an ex's wedding #achievementunlocked

7. Managed to get pampered on a work trip to Cambodia.

8. Accomplish 2 long runs, 10k (satisfactory) and 12k (sucky)

May the last 3 months be more amazing than it can ever be.

Pessimist

I think I am a pessimist. I think the best possible outcomes for others, the worst for myself. And sometimes it holds me back, lile when I keep thinking I cannot jump from one trampoline to another, or that I am not as capable or as good in what I am doing than others.

I've always had this fear that when things go too well, some divine intervention will threaten to rob me of what I have via factors or elements not within my control. I know I am not supposed to say it because the more you say it the more you believe it and you start looking for signs affirming your beliefs and then it comes true. Self fulfilling prophecy.

It caught me off guard today. And I should calm down and not think so much because deep down I know it is probably nothing much. I didn't realise it had such a great impact on me and I suddenly feel lousy, weak and lost. But everything will be alright.

As Lao Tzu said, Do nothing and everything will be done.

Older

Happy birthday to someone who feels blessed to be alive, to be enjoying exciting experiences and to have people around me who love me and whom I love.

Big responsibilities

My dad told me he had an argument with his boss and said he wanted to quit his job.

It may or may not be a rash decision, and it may or may not happen soon. But I suddenly started to have a lot of thoughts, about his retirement, about how much money we will need, about whether I should still make certain purchase decisions in view of the likelihood of this happening.

Was talking to a friend and she was sharing how her parents are resistant to change and still keep money at home instead of her bank. And how she forgot to help her dad file taxes and he didn't realise because he couldn't read English and hence couldn't understand the letters. She just got married, and shared about how she doesn't know how they can cope with these administrative stuff when she moves out.

With age comes responsibilities I guess.