Ghost

But your ghost, the ghost of you it keeps me awake.

Kind of miss Goodfellas, kind of miss Neon Night. Kind of want to have fun when I am still not too old. Being 25 soon is scary. 24 still can round down. 25 got to round up.

The things they taught me.

This year, I met E.

I met E in a situation I never imagined myself to be in.

I asked, "Is it very hard to start a convo with these people?"

E half-smiled and replied, "What's so difficult? Just be sincere."

For some reason I remembered these words. What can be so difficult? Just be sincere.

But maybe it is difficult to find another sincere person. Maybe it is difficult to believe that there will be another sincere person out there. Whatever it is, I thank you for coming into my life however short it may be. I thank you for your sincerity. I thank you for your care and concern. And though you may not have intended to, but I thank you for helping me believe that maybe there really is someone out there who can love me. :)

The moon sees it all

The moon sees
Tired people going home from work
Workers replacing sleepers
Taxis awaiting customers
Boy picks girl up
Man on his way to have a beer or two with friends
Motorcycle zooms past
Cat licking scraps of food

The moon smiles at the tired souls but they don't smile back
The moon laughs at the lovers' lies but wishes them all the best
The moon pats the cat on its back and shines the way for the motorcyclist
The moon sees me and says to me, "Everything will be fine."
I hope the moon can see you too.

A late night post

It's late and I can't sleep.

It has been a bad week in terms of mood. Nothing particularly life-changing happened, but I do take some time to adapt to changes. Especially with things weighing on my mind and being unable to express myself that well, I tend to be a little more irritable and very frustrated. I want this negativity to go away. I want to be happy at work and at play again. I want to be strong again.

A conversation with the girl who is not me.

The girl who is not me told me that she read some messages that she came across today, messages which she surprisingly didn't delete. She said that although it has been quite some time, somehow the tears just came when she re-read those exchanges when they were apart. To be honest, she doesn't recall those exchanges but reading them brought about intense emotions. I told her that as much as she is unwilling to believe, maybe he did like her then. She told me that she never felt like thanking him for the memories because all she could recall were the bad moments which hurt and sucked, but maybe now she is a little grateful that they once purely liked each other. No lust, no sex, just purely liking each other. And I think in a way, that was beautiful.

Autobiography in 5 Chapters

Because this didn't fit in with the previous post...

Autobiography in 5 Chapters

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

- Portia Nelson

I like how it reminds us that sometimes we need to fall a few times before we learn to walk down another street.

Solo Trip

One day when my boss and I were slacking, we began to intro songs to each other. Boss introduced me to this Singaporean singer whom I have never heard of. I googled a bit and read about his achievements, only to learn that he is somewhat famous in Hong Kong, and has worked with many famous stars before, including my favourite Eason Chan. Boss said she liked this song and I kind of liked it too, though I haven't really looked at the lyrics closely.

After going to watch Eason's concert on my own and getting ear piercings (finally) this year, I am going on my first solo trip to Taipei. I've 90% packed my luggage already and am gonna share a cab with D to the airport cuz we stay somewhat close to each other and his flight is an hour later. I just did the web check-in and felt a little scared. It's all happening, it's so real.

Random thoughts flashing through my mind. I guess this is what happens when one has too much time at hand. Taipei will be fun, I know it.

For the October anchovies.

Breathes in and out. I am still alive!

I don't have things to type when I am on blogger. But when I am walking/working/dreaming I have a million things I wanna write.

S_ms_n Ch_un_ you haven't been writing too.

If you get married next year you'll get a special gift. SG50. A marriage cert holder. So quick, get married.

Obligatory September Post

Word of the month: Obligation



Heard a 16 year old sing this on TV today. Empty, pure, clean.

Can't wait for November.

Jager train

I need to:

1. Cut hair, take photo, renew my passport (next weeeeeek)!

2. Book trip in Nov! I really wanna go Taiwannnn. I wanna travel alone yet I want people to be there to share food hahaha. Torn.

We're in the last one third of 2014!

Time flew by like a jager train! Why we never make good use of the one dozen sigh.

Clarity (clarity clarity clarity)

On an unrelated note, I heard something on TV today.

"We dress only to be undressed."

So sleazy. (covers mouth with both hands and um chio)

Public-holiday-but-falls-on-Monday blues.

Fortunately there was Timbre Goodfellas Neon Night cool people to make the weekend better. And a potential Batam trip which is turning into reality. Once again, I am grateful when people accommodate my schedule, be it overseas trips or meet ups. Even cabbing home together when you all can take Night Rider. I cannot emphasize enough how thankful I am except to hope that good things happen to you all. <3

So far so good.

So far,

1. The tripping issue at work has been settled, which is great. If other issues can be settled with a less negative outcome it would be great.

2. Work has slipped into a routine secretly. I am kind of feeling like I am looking forward to weekends and off days.

3. My birthday has come and gone. Celebration efforts and well-wishes are greatly appreciated. I like how I get to meet up with different people for meals. I am also grateful for my boss' efforts to make the day special for me by buying me flowers and getting her cousin to deliver a cake to the workplace.

4. Trying to meet up with friends despite the limited slots I can offer. I know I have a lot of restrictions and I am thankful that people try to accommodate. May good things happen to you all kind people.

有用的男人

It has been a tiring week at work, not because there was a lot of work to be done. In fact, little productive work was done because we experienced a constant tripping of the meter. I have become a mini expert already. I now know what is an MCB (no it's not a bad word I realised), ELCB, MCCB, DB, HRF etc. 

We came into contact with a few people during this period of time -- the fellow tenants, a team of electricians, an older electrician which we later engaged when the problem could not be fixed, the aircon men, the landlord, the landlord's workers. Some could not be reached in times of need, some added to the stress by demanding an explanation as to what is happening, some were busy elsewhere and could not come down in time. Only one particular electrician (and his boys) consistently showed up to help us out, even when by right they need not do so since they have already done what they were supposed to do, even when they were not paid a single cent, even when they could not do anything about the situation because they were not supposed to undo what our new electrician has done. They came back as many as three times in a day whenever we called, they called to check if everything was alright, and they later accompanied us till the other electrician arrived. 

It made me realise that, this is what one needs in a man. For him to just be there when one needs him. To consistently be reachable, to give assurance and support, to not leave us in the lurch. 

And we should not settle for anything less than that.

 

Rock-a-bye baby.

Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop,

When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,

When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,

And down will come baby, cradle and all.

Today, I came to the sudden realisation that at the end of the song, the baby crashes into the ground. Sounds a little creepy to be sung to a child. Reminds self not to sing it to baby in future.

I was watching Dance Moms on Lifetime that day, and there were two moms who quarreled over I-forgot-what. And they screamed at each other and ended in a cold war, till one of the moms had an emotional moment over her father's fight with cancer and they hugged each other. She said life is too short to be angry at each other and losing friendships. It was almost an inspiring moment for me, until I realised that life is too short to be making yourself unhappy as well.

To be honest, I do rehearse in my mind how I'll react if I ever see some people on the streets. I run through various scenarios, such as 1. Completely ignore their presence, 2. Nod in acknowledgement but walk on, 3. Say hi and then walk away, 4. Say hi and exchange greetings as if we are genuinely concerned about each other. Deep down I wanna do 1 but in real life I will probably do a 3 or a 4 because I am fake and pretentious.

Someone once told me that when a relationship ends, both parties have to bear some responsibility. I used to believe in that, and I end up reflecting upon myself, thinking about what I should have done, what I could have done better. Slowly, I begin to realise that I should stop trying to help bear responsibility. I always feel that if I have already given my best shot, then there is nothing that I should feel bad about. Which is why I kind of dislike the word 'sorry', because if you have given your best then you shouldn't be sorry. If you haven't given your best then you ought to. Saying sorry and repeatedly doing the same thing disgusts me. Like how my student tries all means and ways to anger me and then say sorry after that, only to continue his annoying antics the following week.

I read somewhere that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Love and hate takes effort, indifference doesn't. When we whine and complain about the way people behave/treat us, we still care about them despite being annoyed by them. Which makes the transition from love/hate --> indifference kind of serious and scary. How do we respond when with indifference to a person whom we have had some sort of a relationship with previously? How do we talk of the person now? I guess we'll learn.

To end it on a happier note, we zumba-ed to this song in class that day, and I went home to listen to the song more closely.



And this is yet another Beyonce song which makes me feel tired for her. If we sing this after Single Ladies, I'm pretty sure we'll develop asthma or something. But her live performance really power. I'm gonna put her on the list of artistes whose concert I would wanna watch haha.

Yay!

Yay to short trip in May!

Yay to June farm visit!

Yay to birthday in July!

Yay to National Day break!

The only way to be with someone is to not be with him.

The only way to be with someone is to not be with him.

One is beginning to see the light to the statement. But maybe by the time one successfully figures it out, one would really not want to be with him.

And that might actually not be a bad thing.

My boss' emails

My boss sends me work emails on work days, and on non-work days, articles such as "How to love a girl who doesn't know how to be loved" and tells me she identifies with the girl. I find it amusing haha. I think the relationship I share with my boss is kind of weird. We don't add each other on Facebook but we update each other on pretty deep things in our lives. Learning how to deal with her is a challenge which I enjoy sometimes, because who doesn't like to get into your boss' good books right. 

And a quote from one of her article reads, "Being a bodhisattva means that when people come, don't cut them off; when people go, don't cut them off." 

And then I thought about how I have tried not to cut people off to the best of my ability. But to the best of my ability means that I have cut people off. Then it struck me. 

I don't want to be a bodhisattva haha.

On a happier note, I attended my first work meeting yesterday. Previously there was no such need because my boss will talk to me directly. But with the new (and very capable) (and pretty) admin, my boss feels the need for us to discuss certain things so hooray! Meeting with printed agendas are so cool! :D Teehee.

Eason :D

<3 <3 <3

I love how he changed from the Mandarin version to Canto (because I memorized the song in both languages). There were so many words. He made a mistake. But I autocorrected them in my mind.

Mad love this person who took these video hehe.




And I love how he sang and had the lyrics of this song flashed on the big screen. Because it was the first canto songs I learnt. I remember how I bugged Waisin to write the pinyin of this song back in JC.

Wah wah wah. Withdrawal symptoms. How can someone sound so like the CD when singing live. How can someone who is not good looking be so charismatic. My two fav songs of the evening. I shall listen to it again and again because I was so fed up while taking the video cuz the little boy beside me kept wanting to go to the toilet. Plus his  Cat A seats take video Eason already looks so small. From my angle he only looked like a ball of light.

Told my mum about the concert and she just stared at me blankly. Told my grandma about the concert and she said, "Aiyoh he very poor thing, all his money his wife take." And my mum was shocked that my grandma was so 'in', following the news of celebrities. #hipgranny

Easonnnnnnnn!

My mother asked, "So 你自己一个去看陈奕迅的演唱会啊?"

"沒有, 还有別人."

"哇, 你找到誰跟你一起看?"

"很多人，只是不认识的。"

Yes, I am going to watch Eason alone. And I'm very excited. I am trying my best to recover from this sickness that has been plaguing me since last Tuesday. It started as a flu, and developed into a fever which lasted 4 days although I had seen a doctor. I missed 5 classes in total, and fortunately my boss managed to get someone to relief 3 of them. And I was so sick I thought I might die like the girl did in bu bu jing xin. But then again I haven't found my si ye yet so I cannot die. Plus I haven't watched Eason.

Magic

Am home on a beautiful Sunday afternoon. Wanted to bake but after spring cleaning, I have no idea where my mother kept all the flour and sugar. Every time I bake, the recipe says 1 hour but I spend 2 hours because an hour is spent looking for where my mother kept all the utensils/ingredients. I find it intriguing why mothers just cannot leave them alone. They find it absolutely necessary to pack and repack stuff and keep them in a place which is clearly inconvenient for anyone else to remember or retrieve except themselves. I fear I become such a woman as I age. Like when I was young I don't remember adult women being like that. Then when they hit the 40 mark something magical happens to them and they suddenly transform into someone who is angry at the world and naggy and bitter and pms-y.

My student told me today that she placed her tooth in a box and the tooth fairy came and gave her money. She was so happy about it. But she said the tooth fairy forgot to take away her tooth. I asked her what her parents said about it. She said they said her gong gong probably threw the money in but she thinks it's a tooth fairy.

Life is magical I tell you.

Letters, work, 2014.

When I was younger, I used to love receiving letters. As a kid you rarely get letters so it's quite an exciting experience when you get to open one. I finally understand why adults don't get as much joy when they open letters. These days I also feel sian opening them zzz. They are either bills or card transactions or study loan repayment information/reminders. And I hate serious 'adult' things like 'Oh you got to pay taxes (still don't know anything about that but I know it is not so soon)', 'buying insurance (no moneyyyyy)', 'sign up for a credit card (lazy to read up on which card is better and when I can get freebies if I sign up)'. But I guess we all have to get used to it. 

Work has been not too bad. I can't imagine myself being elsewhere already. I can't imagine getting an 8-5 job anymore. I can't imagine going for anymore interviews in serious clothes and painful shoes and boring bags. So I'll just be happy with the good and swallow the bad. And make time for gatherings on Sat and hopefully watch men sing Safe and Sound and Get Lucky once in a while hahahaha (though I now know they can sing Royals and Treasure and Bad Boy by Big Bang and Roar and Counting Stars too).

2014 has been not bad so far. Gonna work hard, play hard, get rid of things that do not value-add to my life. Be stronger, be firmer. Learn from mistakes. Try new things. And go Taiwannnnnnnnnnnnnn. Oh, CNY is coming. Looking forward to 5 days of no work wheeeeeeee! :D <3 <3 <3